TWEENS: Here are 5 Boundaries We Set when we Gave our 12 Year Old an iPhone
First, Know that the Phone is not a gift
One of the firm and hard boundaries that we set when we ‘gave’ our tween a cel phone was that the phone was ours, they were simply being given the privilege to use it. This leads into every other boundary that we set when the phone was given. Though the phone was given near a twelfth birthday, it was amplified, that the phone was not a gift.
Setting iPhone Boundaries for Tweens
We’re going to Check-in
We are not naive to twelve year old boundary pushing language, and made it clear that when we did check in - we’re not there to interfere, read through every conversation and learn the deepest, darkest, secrets (posted on Snapchat by every twelve-year-old they know). We’re there to monitor for harmful behaviour, teach by example, and guide in posting appropriate content.
I’m not going to comment on the content that I see, unless I see, unless it’s harmful behaviour. I’m going to trust you, just like I expect you to trust me that leads us to the next boundary.
That doesn’t mean that we’re not going to talk about it, if we see something inappropriate.
Another time, our child changed the name of a Snapchat group to something inappropriate - and though it does’t compare with the ‘LAst NiTe YOur MoM CALLed mE DaDdY’ (Yes, you’ll come across things that make you cringe - use it as a teaching moment) - it was an incredible lesson in having accountability for the things that we write on the internet.
Do Not Write anything You Wouldn’t Say Directly to Someone / Don’t Write Anything You Wouldn’t Want Anyone to See
This was a hard lesson around here, at twelve. There have been times when screenshots of a Snapchat were sent around to friends, with something written in confidence to one friend.
Let’s be real about this one - this might be one of those hard lessons that your tween is going to learn the hard way, when a secret is shared, or a screenshot is taken of a hurtful or inappropriate thing that your tween has said, or posted.
You Don’t Download/Delete Apps
One of the hard and fast rules is asking for permission before you download an app, and you don’t delete an app before you hand over your phone to me. (Yes, that happened).
Like any new experience, there are going to be some hiccups. There have been times that these boundaries have been tested, and broken, of course - they’re twelve years old, and we’ve used this as a learning experience. There have been some incredible (and many one-sided met with sighs) conversations to come out of the nine months that our kid has had access to a phone)
It’s My Phone, I Can Take it Away
And I will. There has been few times when the phone privileges are removed - and those instances are based on natural consequences. The most common reasons that phone privileges are lost temporarily in our house are:
Our learning expectations aren’t being met aka - you bombed a test, or didn’t try your best on an assignment (natural consequence: I am going to help remove some of the distractions that come with having an iPhone in your hand - so you can focus on school)
You’ve broken one of our agreed upon boundaries (natural consequence: you’ve broken one of these boundaries and I think you should take some time to think about how you can stay within limits in the future)
You’re Learning, We’re Empathetic
Lastly, but easily one of the most important boundaries we set when we gave our twelve year old a phone, was the fact to recognize they’re learning.
Let’s face it - they’re twelve. They’re going to make mistakes, they’re going to delete messages that they think might ‘get them in trouble’. They’re probably going to take part in some group chats that might make you cringe and wonder when your twelve year old turned twenty-one.
The one boundary we didn’t set - night-time boundaries. You may have to set boundaries in your home. We’ve got a very independent and capable twelve year old, so these boundaries might look different in your house. They listen to their body, know when they need more sleep, and uses the phone for an alarm clock to wake up, and get ready for school - and probably has better self-regulation than I do when it comes to getting enough sleep. This one boundary that may change in the future, but for now, we don’t limit the phone after nine o’clock, or bedtime.
What are the phone boundaries in your house?
